The Baboon Scale

In the late 70s or early 80s PJ O'Rourke visited South Africa as part of his series Holidays in Hell. He listed all the problems facing apartheid South Africa and asked rhetorically what South Africans did in the face of such seemingly insurmountable obstacles. His answer: "They drink."

South Africa today faces equally daunting prospects.

Unemployment runs at anything between 24% or 45%. That is depending on whom you ask. The official rate is 24.3% but nobody really believes that number. In my own view it is closer to 35%.

Education is in a shambles after a disastrous dalliance with so-called Outcomes Based Education.

Skills levels amongst most of the unemployed are basically non-existent, meaning that they are unemployable.

After a vigorous drive to 'transform' the public service through affirmative action most of the middle management of the service are often found incapable of writing an actionable letter. This means that service delivery often grinds to a mushy halt exactly where policy is supposed to take effective shape.

Crime and corruption is rampant if not actually out of control.

Infrastructure is decaying faster than it can be fixed.

Julius Malema, HIV/Aids and other diseases.

That is to mention only a few of the problems that I can think of off the top of my head on a rainy Monday morning.

So what do South Africans do in the face of all of these problems? They drink.

This is a country where the previous minister of health drank her liver to hell, skipped the waiting list and got a new one which she then proceeded to drink to pieces again.

Here anti-hangover cures are regularly advertised on national TV and hard liquor is sold in plastic satchels to make it easy to smuggle into sporting and entertainment events.

It is also a country with a scientific scale to measure hangovers: The Baboon Scale:

Level 1: A feint dullness of the senses experienced mostly by non-regular drinkers after they had one glass of wine too many the previous night. Hardened drinkers cannot even remember when last they had a level 1. Should it occur to them they are likely to call in sick.

Level 2: Non-regular drinkers think of calling in sick after having three glasses of wine too many but they still go to work where you can often find them at the coffee machine saying: "Never again". Regular drinkers feel on top of their game.

Level 3: Non-drinkers call in sick. Regular drinkers go to work thinking: "Never again" but not saying it.

Level 4: Non-drinkers go to hospital and hardened drinkers think of calling in sick. They then take their favourite anti-hangover cure and go to work where they spend a lot of time around the coffee machine saying: "Never again".

Level 5: This is the last level where one can even think of pretending to be functional. Only the most hardened drinkers would go to work and then only for half a day. All other people call in sick.

Level 6: Hardened drinkers call in sick and most other people go to hospital.

Level 7: Hardened drinkers go to hospital. Other people are still there after the previous time.

Level 8: Hardened drinkers wake up and hope they are dead. Other people wake up and they are dead.

Level 9: Hardened drinkers wake up and they are dead.

So there you are ... the Baboon Scale to measure babelas or hangovers, of which I am the proud inventor.

That brings me somehow back to Julius Malema. The problem with Julius is that he would have been funny if he was not so dangerous with his populist crap he feeds to the uneducated masses. He reminds me of a young Hitler or Mussolini. In fact he will turn a Level 2 hangover or babelas into a Level 4 or 5 if you think about him too much. This is exactly what is happening to me now. So I am logging off to go and have a lie-down.