VUVUZELAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... BRING EARPLUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

South Africans are very inventive people.

Just think about it... A South African guy invented the only South African product that was used on the spacecraft that went to the moon ... Pratley Putty. I know it is self-evident that a South African should have invented the only South African product to be used in the spacecraft that went to the moon but YOU can try to put it better.

A South African also invented open-heart surgery... the Book of the (last) Century ... Lord of The Rings ... and 'dolosse' ... those concrete wave-breakers that you see around shorelines across the world ... as well as 'the plumbing of secure internet transacting' ... apartheid (a model that the Jews and Palestinians have been trying to implement with the same measure of success that we had here for many a year ... none) ... Mrs Balls' Original Chutney ... Appletizer ... in short too many things to mention in a short blog like this one...

But then, to top it all, the world's worst wind instrument ... the vuvuzela. Now the vuvuzela is a hollow plastic tube in the form of a trumpet and when one blows on it, it produces a SOUND ...

The SOUND of ... a power drill hitting concrete... an angle grinder through cold-rolled steel ... a tomcat on heat being strangled ...

Now I've never strangled a tomcat on heat and never will ... neither have I had any contact with people who strangle tomcats on heat and if I see a person strangling a tomcat on heat rest assured that I shall intervene ... by calling the relevant authorities.

What I'm trying to get at is that this 'weapon of mass distraction' produces a sound so ugly that one would probably be better off by never hearing it. When I described the sounds above, I was talking about a single vuvuzela ... but what soccer fans are likely to encounter is that of a single one ... multiplied ... by only 90 000.

Fifa hinted ... briefly ... at banning the vuvuzela during the World Cup ... but soon backed off.

South African soccer lovers would hear none of it ... they can't hear anything anyway because the SOUND of many vuvuzelas has been proven to be harmful to hearing. It has been compared to the sound of a million angry bees with vocal cords on steroids ... and that is putting it mildly.

Nevertheless this weapon may just see Bafana Bafana score a goal as the opposing teams lose their balance as their hearing goes ... we live always live in hope in SA.

In another ironic twist ... the voices from within South Africa trying to ban the vuvuzela were just beginning to be heard when ... the Blue Bulls went to Soweto. Now it is not only the darkies at soccer matches blowing the damn thing ... it is also whiteys at rugby matches. The Afrikaans daily Beeld announced it on their posters: "BULLS SAVE VUVU". You can always count on Pretorians to be well-meaning but ultimately destructive.

In their insularity they are much like the Americans. As Churchill put it so well: "One can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... once they have exhausted all other possibilities..."

So make peace with it ... buy earplugs and know that the vuvuzela can now be bought craftily-beaded in the colours of your country's flag by our ever-inventive 'bead-and-wire' artists on the steets of Joburg and Melville specifically ... BECAUSE WE LIKE TO BE LOUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got a darkie chick, one Maphala Makgoba, whom I just met, to vouch for the veracity of this blog ... so there we have race realtions again ... she said she would definitely join the blog.

"this damn whitey promised me a round of drinks in exchange of joining his blog. He apparentely has one darkie as a follower which makes me the second darkie. In two weeks he will have atleast 20 darkies. You just have to love South Africa, you meet a whitey you negotiate terms of engagement or blow a vuvuzela in the ear of whitey> and wallahhhh..."Maphala

OK that was my new best friend Maphala ... you just got to love South Africa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An historic event ... and I'm going to be there!

You would have noticed that I seldom ... if ever ... use exclamation marks anywhere in my text ... and to use it in a headline means it means something ... but I must confess to a bad addiction to ellipses ... Okay I admitted ... acknowledging the problem is the first step to recovery .. (you see .)

It can only be in South Africa where a rugby match between two provincial sides can take on the 'historical' tag. Normally I would dismiss such talk as 'hysterical' but for once I am in full agreement.

No lesser person than former archbishop Desmond Tutu hailed the event as historical and who am I to disagree.

When SA signed itself over to Fifa ... the Blue Bulls from Pretoria also had to give up their bastion in Pretoria, Loftus Versveld. Now the Bulls could come from no other place in South Africa. They are almost more Pretorian than Pretoria itself ... almost brutal in their their insular smugness ... but they remain one of the best rugby teams in South Africa and well respected for that by friend and foe alike.

At the same time ... It may only be a perception but I always suspect Pretoria to be a bit more racist than most other big towns in South Africa ... perhaps with the exception of Bloemfontein... but that's a different story.

Now imagine my surprise when they, having relinquished their stadium to Fifa, chose Orlando Stadium in Soweto for their Super 14 semifinal clash against the Canterbury Crusaders from New Zealand.

When I first heard that news I thought it was some joke but when I realised that it was true I thought it was a good move ... but was a bit sceptical about what the response from the Bulls fans would be ... well I'm happy to report that for once Pretoria surprised me positively. The tickets for the match sold out almost immediately and Pretoria is going to Soweto tomorrow.

This was not the only surprise ... I also learnt that the Bulls are one of the teams in the country with the most black support ... Pliny the Elder had it right: "Ex Africa semper aliquid novi."

Bishop Tutu likened the historical value of the event to South Africa's 1995 rugby World Cup victory ... and he is only exaggerating slightly.

It is true that there is nothing that can unify South Africans across the board like a great sporting victory and the 1995 event did much to unite the country at the time ... Remember Nelson Mandela wearing the Springbok jersey ... just thinking about it again gives me goose-bumps ... I was in France for that event but the feeling lived on well into 1996 when I came back ...

Pity that Bafana Bafana is so poor ... them making just the second round of the World Cup would have the same nation-building effect as the Springbok victory ... one lives in hope.

So it is historical and there is a buzz about it ... even in Joburg where we tend to be allergic to all things emanating from Pretoria. I woke up to the historical value too late and have no tickets ... Charles Moore tried ... and failed ... to get some. We then thought we would just go and watch the match in a bar in Soweto ... to be 'part' of the event but then I remembered that it is George's damn birthday. So I'll watch it from Jan's place where the party is going to be held.

So I'll say it only once ... but I'll say it loudly: "GO BULLS!!!!"
.... AND WELL DONE PRETORIA!

Ex Africa semper .... Charles Moore got us tickets to the match!! ...

We'll be going on his bike ... this will not surprise you ... fills me with dread but I shall be brave ... he pointed out to me that the traffic is going to be bad to Soweto ... and I had to agree ... we need to go on the bike ... because it's George's damn birthday!! Not really even ... It turns out that his damn birthday is only next week ...

Welcome to Adolf, Barry, Susan, Anne, Madelein and whoever else is new here.