THE WORLD CUP! .... THE VUVUZELA IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!

SORRY THAT I'M SHOUTING ... IT'S JUST THAT YOU WON'T HEAR ME OTHERWISE!!!!!!!!
Seriously ... Yesterday everyone who owned a vuvuzela in Joburg blew it from 12pm to 1pm ... and sporadically throughout the afternoon and evening.

My friend Jan says in his office it sounded like a beehive on the move and outside like the coming of the second revolution...

Jan must have very good soundproofing in his office because inside my office it sounded like a thousand beehives on the move .... or at least the Israelites leaving Egypt and blowing down the walls of Jericho.

I am more in agreement with his second statement and given that Jan is not prone to hyperbole, you better believe me when I say that it was an unparalleled racket...

Forget the flags ... this is going to be the World Cup of the VUVUZELA!!!!!!!!

(Just a brief note on the flags ... there were 316 of them on the last official count. The schools closed and Charles and I are no longer driving Kieran to school in Parkview so any flag count from here on would be unscientific because the parameters of our study changed.

We did briefly consider beginning a new study on our new route but when he nearly drove into some-one while counting flags yesterday ... I forbade him to count any more flags today and desisted from doing so myself. In any case we were dog tired from work because everybody else wanted to be 'off' next week ... and we wanted to be off tomorrow ... so we packed two episodes in one week .... and could not even be bothered with our own private obsessions.


Meanwhile my spy, Lizette Pretorius from Pretoria reports that she counted 173 on her designated scientific route yesterday and remarked in her confidential report: "Even Pretoria is getting it!"

The 'it' being GEES ... as encapsulated by the VUVUZELA!!!! I can even hear a solitary one now... sounding forlorn like the mating call of a moose... Never heard that sound myself but I have an imagination. Lastly flagged my hat ... SA/France...)
Okay, I admit, that was not a brief note ...

My new best friend Maphala Makgoba did indeed join my blog and now the darkies outnumber the Germans on my follower list ... so there Gabrielli.

Talking about Germans ... they seem to be the predominant group of World Cup tourists in Melville at the moment ... followed by Americans ... British ... Spanish or Portuguese (from wherever they hail, ) ... French and Italians.

This was not a scientific study but Charles Moore and I decided it should be the next survey so I began listening to the tongues around me.

But I did meet Rufus and Dan from London and Arne from Germany.
As for talking to Germans ...

I went and sat down ... tiredly ... at a German table in a restaurant in Melville to smoke a cigarette, as we do here when you are a smoker in a non-smoking section of a restaurant, and talked to them ... as I do.

Arne had two darkie chicks with him. There is something deeply unsurprising about that.

The one was Naledi (it means 'star' in seSotho) ... she did mention her last name but it was too noisy for me to hear it and the other was Patience. I did my survey on the usage of the word 'darkie' with them and they shrugged it off. No offence ... but Naledi reckoned it was "a level of education thing" or something like that.

I disagreed because I conducted a more broad-ranging survey among darkies since my last altercation with Gabrielli.

The rules of engagement are simple: I call them darkies and they call me King Charles ... sorry I could not resist that. They call me whatever ... mlungu, Boertjie, whitey... for the duration of the World Cup it would seem that we South Africans are going to be a nation united.

I am off today so I am free to mingle with the crowds ... I'll keep you posted.

WELCOME MAPHALA ... sorry ... a VUVUZELA!!!!! again.

VUVUZELAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... BRING EARPLUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

South Africans are very inventive people.

Just think about it... A South African guy invented the only South African product that was used on the spacecraft that went to the moon ... Pratley Putty. I know it is self-evident that a South African should have invented the only South African product to be used in the spacecraft that went to the moon but YOU can try to put it better.

A South African also invented open-heart surgery... the Book of the (last) Century ... Lord of The Rings ... and 'dolosse' ... those concrete wave-breakers that you see around shorelines across the world ... as well as 'the plumbing of secure internet transacting' ... apartheid (a model that the Jews and Palestinians have been trying to implement with the same measure of success that we had here for many a year ... none) ... Mrs Balls' Original Chutney ... Appletizer ... in short too many things to mention in a short blog like this one...

But then, to top it all, the world's worst wind instrument ... the vuvuzela. Now the vuvuzela is a hollow plastic tube in the form of a trumpet and when one blows on it, it produces a SOUND ...

The SOUND of ... a power drill hitting concrete... an angle grinder through cold-rolled steel ... a tomcat on heat being strangled ...

Now I've never strangled a tomcat on heat and never will ... neither have I had any contact with people who strangle tomcats on heat and if I see a person strangling a tomcat on heat rest assured that I shall intervene ... by calling the relevant authorities.

What I'm trying to get at is that this 'weapon of mass distraction' produces a sound so ugly that one would probably be better off by never hearing it. When I described the sounds above, I was talking about a single vuvuzela ... but what soccer fans are likely to encounter is that of a single one ... multiplied ... by only 90 000.

Fifa hinted ... briefly ... at banning the vuvuzela during the World Cup ... but soon backed off.

South African soccer lovers would hear none of it ... they can't hear anything anyway because the SOUND of many vuvuzelas has been proven to be harmful to hearing. It has been compared to the sound of a million angry bees with vocal cords on steroids ... and that is putting it mildly.

Nevertheless this weapon may just see Bafana Bafana score a goal as the opposing teams lose their balance as their hearing goes ... we live always live in hope in SA.

In another ironic twist ... the voices from within South Africa trying to ban the vuvuzela were just beginning to be heard when ... the Blue Bulls went to Soweto. Now it is not only the darkies at soccer matches blowing the damn thing ... it is also whiteys at rugby matches. The Afrikaans daily Beeld announced it on their posters: "BULLS SAVE VUVU". You can always count on Pretorians to be well-meaning but ultimately destructive.

In their insularity they are much like the Americans. As Churchill put it so well: "One can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... once they have exhausted all other possibilities..."

So make peace with it ... buy earplugs and know that the vuvuzela can now be bought craftily-beaded in the colours of your country's flag by our ever-inventive 'bead-and-wire' artists on the steets of Joburg and Melville specifically ... BECAUSE WE LIKE TO BE LOUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got a darkie chick, one Maphala Makgoba, whom I just met, to vouch for the veracity of this blog ... so there we have race realtions again ... she said she would definitely join the blog.

"this damn whitey promised me a round of drinks in exchange of joining his blog. He apparentely has one darkie as a follower which makes me the second darkie. In two weeks he will have atleast 20 darkies. You just have to love South Africa, you meet a whitey you negotiate terms of engagement or blow a vuvuzela in the ear of whitey> and wallahhhh..."Maphala

OK that was my new best friend Maphala ... you just got to love South Africa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Boerewors Curtain lifts... and i could not do a spellcheck

So there they were ... in Soweto ... thousands of them ... all dressed in blue ... all slightly drunk and all Blue Bulls supporters ...

But they were in great spirits (no pun intended) for this historic occassion and in no small measure, I guess, excited as I was about the 'meaning' of the event.

Something to tell your grandchildren about: "I was there when the Bulls first played in Soweto..."

So there they were ... in Soweto ... all with dark skins ... all slightly drunk ... millions of them ... lining the roads ... shouting encouragement to the invading army ... some to sell 'safe' parking ... others to sell whatever and most just there for the 'gees' (see my blog about language).

All in great spirits...

So there I was ... on the back of a motorcycle ... ably driven by my boss Charles Moore ... slightly drunk ... in Soweto ... dressed impeccably in three pairs of longjohns, three thermal vests and my outer clothing ... light blue shirt by Gant ... fauve chinos from Woolworths ... black leather jacket from Markhams for Men ... pointy black shoes from a cheap shoeshop ... in fact they were not cheap ... R800 ... and an Iverness Cape.

All in good spirits ...

When Charles tells me that we will go to Soweto on the bike my stomach tightens. Those of you who read my blog regularly would know I'm not the adventurous type. Bikes give me the jitters ...

To deal with that problem I invite my sister Emily to lunch and she tells me she is also going but by public transport ... Rea Vaya (seSotho for: "We're going/moving"). The 'rapid bus transport' system between Soweto and the Joburg CBD. It is supposed to link up many parts of the metropole ... and should have been done by now ... but ain't ... this is Africa.

There was a joke about SA politicians saying: "Everything would be ready by 2010 ... Oh fuck this is 2010!!!!"

I phone Charles to tell him the good news but he points out to me that it's fine to go on the Rea Vaya ... but to come back would probably entail a long wait... and he wants to be back in time to catch the next semifinal game ... the Stormers from Cape Town against the Waratahs from New-South Wales in Australia ... So it's going to be the bike...

I'm not the type of person to shirk a personal phobia so after lunch with Emily I head to the nearest bar ... where fortunately I see Scot ... He hears my pain and buys me a tequila ... I respond in kind and then Inge arrives ... also on her way to the game ... and she responds by buying a round of tequila ... and I respond in kind ... then Charles arrives and we decide it's probably a good idea to have a tequila ... I wash all the tequila down with a cleansing beer ...

Then we set out for Soweto. I try to count flags as we go ... and get to 135 at Soccer City, the new World Cup stadium outside Soweto where some big soccer match is going down. Too many flags ... In fact the final between Wits University and Mamelodi Sundowns in the Nedbank Cup.

My previous boss ... yes the one who fired me ... once remarked: "What will they have next ... a Paper Cup?"

Once at Orlando Stadium we drive straight to the bottom of the steps ... with a ticket checker running after us ... I swear I did not hear him trying to call us back ... and apologises profusely to him when he catches up with us ... He accepts the apology and all is well.

We head for the beer garden surrounded by thousands of Blue Bulls ... with blue faces and
hard-hats with bull horns sticking from them... I sigh ... these are my people ...

I check for people ... darkies I mean ... not many in attendance ... I would say a 1000 or 2000 out of the 45000 spectators.

Three of them are sitting just behind me and I ask them why they are there ... They're not Bulls supporters ... The response is good ... They are there for the country ... as am I.

Meanwhile my sister Emily reports that outside the stadium the Bulls and the darkies were bonding big time ... She did not have a ticket and was just there to report on the 'gees' or vibe. When she went into shebeen (bar, tavern) for a beer it was packed with Bulls ... and there was not a drop left to drink ... she was referred to the funeral parlour next door ... which was packed by Bulls and there was still a beer on sale ... you got to love this country!

Well done Soweto ... and well done Pretoria. The Boerewors Curtain lifted and it was a magnificent thing ... and it was good to be there.

I can tell you much more ... but I'm tired now ... there were so many things worth writing about.

An historic event ... and I'm going to be there!

You would have noticed that I seldom ... if ever ... use exclamation marks anywhere in my text ... and to use it in a headline means it means something ... but I must confess to a bad addiction to ellipses ... Okay I admitted ... acknowledging the problem is the first step to recovery .. (you see .)

It can only be in South Africa where a rugby match between two provincial sides can take on the 'historical' tag. Normally I would dismiss such talk as 'hysterical' but for once I am in full agreement.

No lesser person than former archbishop Desmond Tutu hailed the event as historical and who am I to disagree.

When SA signed itself over to Fifa ... the Blue Bulls from Pretoria also had to give up their bastion in Pretoria, Loftus Versveld. Now the Bulls could come from no other place in South Africa. They are almost more Pretorian than Pretoria itself ... almost brutal in their their insular smugness ... but they remain one of the best rugby teams in South Africa and well respected for that by friend and foe alike.

At the same time ... It may only be a perception but I always suspect Pretoria to be a bit more racist than most other big towns in South Africa ... perhaps with the exception of Bloemfontein... but that's a different story.

Now imagine my surprise when they, having relinquished their stadium to Fifa, chose Orlando Stadium in Soweto for their Super 14 semifinal clash against the Canterbury Crusaders from New Zealand.

When I first heard that news I thought it was some joke but when I realised that it was true I thought it was a good move ... but was a bit sceptical about what the response from the Bulls fans would be ... well I'm happy to report that for once Pretoria surprised me positively. The tickets for the match sold out almost immediately and Pretoria is going to Soweto tomorrow.

This was not the only surprise ... I also learnt that the Bulls are one of the teams in the country with the most black support ... Pliny the Elder had it right: "Ex Africa semper aliquid novi."

Bishop Tutu likened the historical value of the event to South Africa's 1995 rugby World Cup victory ... and he is only exaggerating slightly.

It is true that there is nothing that can unify South Africans across the board like a great sporting victory and the 1995 event did much to unite the country at the time ... Remember Nelson Mandela wearing the Springbok jersey ... just thinking about it again gives me goose-bumps ... I was in France for that event but the feeling lived on well into 1996 when I came back ...

Pity that Bafana Bafana is so poor ... them making just the second round of the World Cup would have the same nation-building effect as the Springbok victory ... one lives in hope.

So it is historical and there is a buzz about it ... even in Joburg where we tend to be allergic to all things emanating from Pretoria. I woke up to the historical value too late and have no tickets ... Charles Moore tried ... and failed ... to get some. We then thought we would just go and watch the match in a bar in Soweto ... to be 'part' of the event but then I remembered that it is George's damn birthday. So I'll watch it from Jan's place where the party is going to be held.

So I'll say it only once ... but I'll say it loudly: "GO BULLS!!!!"
.... AND WELL DONE PRETORIA!

Ex Africa semper .... Charles Moore got us tickets to the match!! ...

We'll be going on his bike ... this will not surprise you ... fills me with dread but I shall be brave ... he pointed out to me that the traffic is going to be bad to Soweto ... and I had to agree ... we need to go on the bike ... because it's George's damn birthday!! Not really even ... It turns out that his damn birthday is only next week ...

Welcome to Adolf, Barry, Susan, Anne, Madelein and whoever else is new here.

Saturday

It is Saturday and I have nothing to say. Saturday means rugby. Fridays also in the Super 14 season. Last night my team, the Cheetahs from the Free State, lost to the Reds from Brisbane in Australia.

One of the best writers in South Africa, Karel Schoeman, once remarked: "I am not an Afrikaner, I am not a South African, I am a Free Stater." I fully agree but I don't know why. I was born there and love to visit one of the most beautiful parts of the country, the north-east Free State. By the way, if Schoeman wrote in English he probably would have won the Nobel Prize for literature and several Booker Prizes. He is translated into English so get him if you can.

Tourists often overlook the north-east Free State in their haste to see the Big Five (elephant, rhino, lion, leopard, buffalo in case you didn't know) or the Garden Route (another piece of overtraded real estate if you ask me). They are possibly not aware that I was born there or of the magnificent landscapes that you can see even on your way to the Garden Route.

I had a boerewors roll for breakfast. I bought it at a church bazaar. The game I am going to watch now is the Blue Bulls from Pretoria and the Western Force from Perth, apparently the Pretoria of Australia. I grew up in Pretoria and hate the damn place. It is an insular place with all the smugness of a provincial capital altough it is the national capital. Although it is only 50km from Joburg it is a world apart.

It is on average 3 degrees celcius warmer than Joburg and is one of tthe least windy cities in the world. The heat and the lack of airflow probably have something to do with the stuffiness of its citizens. It is often said in Joburg that Pretoria is behind the Boerewors Curtain.

Meeting a girl in Pretoria goes something like this: "Hi I am Charles." "Hi Charles, I am Lizelle. What kind of car do you drive?" I may be mistaken but I think all girls in Pretoria are called Lizelle.

Nevertheless today I am supporting the Blue Bulls. That is how the Super 14 support system works. First you support your own team and then any South African team playing against an Australian or New Zealand outfit. The Bulls are my least favourite SA team but one of the favourites to win the competition. My poor Cheetahs are alas lying 12th on the log and they are unlikely to even get close to the top.

The problem the Cheetahs have to deal with every year is that the richer provinces buy all their best players and they have to start almost from scratch the next year. The Free State is rightly known as the rugby player factory of South Africa.

The Bulls are leading by 7 points to 6 after 26 minutes but they are not likely to lose. That is me for today.